Why don’t I feel good enough to go for coffee?

Why don’t I feel good enough to go for coffee?

Don’t feel good enough huh?

Let me guess, it goes something like this…

You wake up with an idea. At first you don’t worry about whether you are good enough…

‘I know, I’ll call her today and see if she fancies a coffee.’

You feel positive and happy at the thought of spending time with someone you like.

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Then the next thought comes…

‘But where will we go? I don’t know anywhere because I don’t do this. Where do people go for coffee?’

You begin to think about the places you could go to. And there is a reason why every single place you think of isn’t right. No parking. Too far away. Too expensive. Not the right feel. Not good enough. Why don’t I feel good enough?

So you don’t call your friend. And you don’t have coffee. 

And you feel you have failed.

This pattern repeats with everything:

what clothes to wear, what presents to buy, in conversations about what you should say or what your shouldn’t say. 

You end up thinking you have nothing to say because nothing you say or do is good enough.

It’s exhausting.  It’s draining.  It’s anxiety.

You don’t feel good enough.

It traps us in isolation and it grows and suffocates us.  It’s fear.

Does this happen to you, or something like it?

Would it help to look closer?

So what’s going on?

Let’s see if we can get an idea of what’s going on here. 

The idea to call a friend and ask her to go for coffee was great – you felt good enough to do that. 

It’s the second thought that begins the process of ‘what-if’s’ that hamstrings you. 

The unspoken ‘what if I can’t suggest a coffee place that’s good enough?’ The next thought is ‘then maybe she’ll reject me” and that means that ‘I’m not good enough’.

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Is it unusual that I don’t feel good enough?

No.  You are certainly not alone with this. This is a common response for many people who have learned incorrectly to believe that fundamentally they are not good enough. People whose experiences of life have perpetuated this belief. 

For many people, maybe it began in early childhood, for others in school or early adulthood. For others maybe it began with one experience where they were treated badly by one person and they have learned to believe that this is because there is something wrong with them and somehow this is what they deserve in life. 

How can I feel good enough to go out for coffee?

You don’t have to live like this. There are many things you can do to help yourself. If this is a lifelong belief, it will take time and effort on your part to identify and change the habitual ways of thinking about yourself and to replace the faulty beliefs with something new. 

Beginning with one situation at a time can help.

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Take a risk and try doing something new

So let’s go back to the beginning. With our example, you talked yourself out of doing something before you had even begun. Let’s think about what you could do to make it easier for yourself.

It seems like you felt ok about asking your friend to meet for coffee, but it was difficult to think of where to go. So perhaps these are worth a try:

  • You could begin by asking your friend, then when you agree on a date and time, ask them if there is somewhere they like to go. 
  • Or you could talk to someone you feel comfortable asking to suggest places they like to go and check out things like parking. 
  • Or maybe ask for recommendations on a local social media group – people love to help.,
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But what if they say no – I certainly won’t feel good enough then. 

Yes. it is possible that they might say no, and we’ll talk about that in more detail in another blog. (I will add it in here when I’ve written it!)

But remember – when people say no to an invitation it may be for a number of possible reasons. Your ‘not good enough’ voice in your brain will say ‘It’s because they don’t like you’ and yes that’s one possibility, but here’s a few others to think about:

  • They may be too busy and just can’t fit it in – what do you know about their life?
  • They may feel they are not ‘good enough’ and feel nervous about whether you will like them.
  • Finances may be tight and coffee is just not something they can afford
  • They may have other personal reasons that you know nothing about.

So if they say no – maybe ask if there is a reason (if you feel brave enough) or do something else instead:

  • identify a place you would like to try for coffee
  • ask someone else to go with you
  • or go on your own and check out the coffee place for another time – you might meet someone else on their own too. 
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Perhaps counselling can help me learn to feel good enough?

If you find responses and behaviours like this are controlling your life and you feel ready to look closer at whats going on, maybe counselling can help?

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In counselling we can explore the underlying causes of these beliefs and feelings and where they come from and identify ways of looking at things differently. This may enable you to make different choices in your life. 

I would love to help. If you would like to talk to me click below to make an appointment. 

If you are in the Hertfordshire area and would like more help with this, contact Jacqui by clicking <HERE>

If your feelings become overwhelming and you feel you cannot cope –  talk to someone urgently about how you are feeling.  Click <HERE> to be taken to advice about contacting listening lines for support. 

About the Author:

Jacqui lives and works in St Albans, Herts. She sings and meditates to relax and will never say no to a big cup of tea at any time. 

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